There once was this boy named Jack; he was twelve years old. He lived in a ramshackle old house with his mother. No mention of a father. Literature is full of dead-beats.
Jack and his mother had a problem, their only cow wasn't producing milk anymore. Likely because Jack was irresponsible, because the thing is you have to keep milking a cow or it stops, and he was shirking out on his duties of milking the cow every day. So it doesn't make milk anymore.
Predictably his mom, pissed off, told him, “Okay, well now you gotta go sell the animal to the butcher and then get like money so that we can, I don't know, keep living for at least a little while. Because this animal was our livelihood and now, it's useless because of you Jack.”
But Jack didn't want to. He didn't, he liked the animal. But he took it by a rope to the market anyhow. Before he reached the market, though he met a shady little guy in the woods. Shady little men in the woods are always always great. They're always super trustworthy.
So he met this guy, and he introduced himself as Jinks. Jinks, a little sketchy guy in the woods. So he has these beans and he wants the animal. Maybe he wants to butcher it or something. Or maybe he just really, really, really wants a friend and an animal is a great friend. So he says, “Hey, kid. What are you doing with that animal?
And Jack says, “Oh, I gotta sell it but I don't want to.”
So Jinks says, “Why are you selling the animal, if it’s such a good animal?”
And then Jack just lies his ass off and doesn't say that it can't produce milk anymore, because he's a little he's a little rapscallion. And he says, “Yeah, it's a great animal, but we gotta sell it because I can't take care of it no more. Yeah, it's a great animal. Will you buy it from me?”
And Jinks with a glimmer in his eye, like he knows that Jack is lying, says, “You know what? I will take that animal for three of these magic beans.”
At that, Jack thinks— whoa, wait a minute. Hold up. Magic Beans? He says as much to Jinks, who nods in confirmation. “Yup, three Magic Beans. I should probably only give you one for that animal, but since it’s just such a good animal, I’m gonna give you all three that I have.”
Jack agrees to the trade and Jinks pulls some paper out of his jacket. (He's a sketchy guy in the middle of the woods, you know he's got one of those jackets that has like a bunch of pockets on the inside). The contract is as follows:
BACKGROUND:
The Seller is the manufacturer/distributor of the following product(s):
One awesome—definitely still produces milk— animal.
The Buyer wishes to purchase the aforementioned product(s).
THEREFORE, the Parties agree as follows:
The Parties agree to the terms and conditions set forth above as demonstrated by their signatures as follows:
Seller
Signed: Jack Smith
Name: Jack Smith
Buyer
Signed: Jinks
Name: Jinks
So Jack, like runs his ass home. He says, “I got these fucking magic beans,” super excited.
And his mother is replies, “You're an idiot. Why did I ever have you? You're like the worst kid on the planet. You traded our animal for three dumb beans?!” and so she takes them from him, and just like tosses them out the window because she was thinking, these are useless, you idiot child.
Jack is then pretty depressed because his mother doesn't love him. But he goes to bed in his bed is by a window, but it's not even like a good window its more just like a hole in the wall, because it's like a really rundown house. So normally he wakes up in the morning to sun shining through that hole on the wall, but today… today he's got a giant something in the way casting shade because of those magic beans his mom tossed out the window. They grew and now they're a beanstalk that is so tall. It goes into the clouds and you can't see the rest of it is honestly super thick to be that tall. So it's kind of a miracle that it grew like it did. As it didn’t wreck the house when it grew. Pretty lucky, probably because of their magic, you know?
So I mean, he thought his mother would’ve freaked out, but she left last night to go actually find the two of them some sort of livelihood. So Jack thought aloud, “oh shit! mum didn't believe me, but these are fucking magic beans!” He thinks, you know what, what else is there to do but climb this thing. So he climbs it, because he's a 12 year old boy so he has plenty of practice climbing trees, walls, his own house. He's a hardy kid. (Though he's also like in the olden days, you know like medieval England ish. So like, I don't know how he isn't super malnourished and like, how he actually has like the strength to climb the beanstalk but he does.)
He climbs and climbs and he somehow doesn't fall. He makes it up there and he climbs through the clouds and then finds out that you can walk on the clouds. “Holy shit. All I knew about the clouds was completely wrong. They're solid on the top. They're kind of like those the platform's in Mario where you can like jump up through them, but you can also stand on the top solidly.” That's how clouds are. There's also this house up there. How lucky is it that there's this house right above his house? But this one is huge! A giant old cottage, covered in leaves and vines. And Jack goes in there, he's just thinking, “Man, I should live in this house.”
And I feel like I'm running out of time.
But basically Jack goes inside. He sees these giant shoes and a giant table and he's thinking, “oh shit, this is a giant’s house. Maybe.” So he’s sneaking around because now he can tell that there's a sort of rumbling vibration thing going on. He walks into another room. Boom. It's a sleeping giant man. A bearded giant whose bed is like 50 feet long. And he's, he's just snoring away.
In the corner of the room, up on the dresser, which Jack climbs easy peasy, is a cage. A bird cage with a goose inside it, but like a normal sized goose. So Jack's just thinking, “what why? This makes no sense.” But it’s a goose and he's thinking, “oh, yeah, I like geese. Maybe since Mom's so pissed at me about the animal. She would love it if I brought a goose back because we can sell goose meat… or eggs. Maybe I don’t know.” So Jack snatched that goose and tried to creep his way out of the house and he makes it to the beanstalk. (I don't know why The the giant would wake up, you know? Over something that's probably like a mouse to him. you know? I wouldn't as long as it's not climbing on me.)
So, Jack goes back down the beanstalk with a Goose in one hand. Obviously the strongest kid ever. Later, when he’s waiting for his mom to return home to show off the goose, said goose lets out a big squawk, and lays an impossibly large golden egg. Jack is amazed, and picked up the egg to get a better look when two things happen. His mother comes out of the woods with that sketchy guy he sold the defective animal to, and the ground begins to shake.
Jack and his mother began yelling over each other: Jack about his awesome golden egg laying goose, and his mother about some other nonsense. A third yelling joins in, as the beanstalk begins to shake.
“Fee, Fi, Fo, Fum, head, shoulders, knees, and toes, where did my goose goes?”
Jack realizes the giant is coming down the beanstalk and that such a large man could kill them no problem for stealing his goose. He panics and drops the golden egg to the ground and his mother starts yelling more insulting, frankly abusive nonsense, when the sketchy guy, Jinks, shoves an ax into Jack’s arms. Instinctevely, with those improbably strong climbing arms Jack has, he starts chopping at the beanstalk. With a few super powered- Popeye after a can of spinach -chops, the beanstalk begins to fall and with a giant crash so does the… giant. Dead.
Jack, having just commited his murder in defense of the goods he stole, is ecstatic and he turns to hug his new goose and golden egg, only for them to be missing along with Jinks. “He stole my stolen goose.”